Ryan Zinke Says No Oil Rigs At Mar-a-Lago, For Science Reasons He Definitely Did Not Just Make Up

Coming to a coastline near YOU (unless you’re in Florida with all that geology) Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke has a brand-new explanation for why he announced Florida would be exempted from the administration’s plan to open up most US coastal areas to oil and gas drilling. In an interview on CNN Tuesday, Zinke explained Florida has very special “ocean currents” and … [Read more...]

Prosperity Already Flowing From Tax Cut! To Paul Ryan! From The Kochs!

O Supply Side Jesus: May the Donors be pleased with my humble offering. Amen Even more prosperity is flowing from the Great Big Tax Cut For Rich Fuckwads of 2017! Not only are a bunch of businesses getting maximum publicity from one-time bonuses while quietly laying people off, it seems Republicans are seeing the big payoffs campaign donations they’d been expecting from the bill, too. The … [Read more...]

President Loud Stupid Talked To Reporters Without Adult Supervision Again. It Went Just Great.

LOUD WORDS Morning, y’all, Donald Trump did that thing again! The thing that makes his lawyers call their local alcohol delivery service and say, “Bring us a ten gallon bucket of Jägermeister and some straws, we are getting fuuuuuucked up tonight!” That’s right, he emerged from John Kelly’s office Wednesday afternoon out of nowhere and decided to talk to … [Read more...]

Here Are All The Stupid Lies Sarah Huckabee Sanders Said Yesterday!

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was in fine form yesterday! She’s got that special blend of bald-faced lies, indignation, and giant false eyelashes that always gets us. So if you’re here for some sexxxxxxy LADY WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU action, you have come to the right Mommyblog! The President DID NOT Shoot Those Kids! On Tuesday, the US clocked its … [Read more...]

RELEASE THE KRAKEN! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Jan. 25, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today. Trump told a bunch of reporters that he would “love” to talk to Robert Mueller about all the collusion and obstruction he didn’t do while Hillary Clinton used her emails to poison pizza bagels with Morgellon fibers. Paul Manafort’s lawyers appear to have accidentally spilled the beans on a … [Read more...]

USA Gymnastics Judge Preemptively Banned From Wonkette Comments, For Being TOO AWESOME

Larry Nassar [Letter]: "Those patients that are now speaking out are the same ones that praised and came back over and over…The media convinced them that everything I did was wrong and bad. They feel I broke their trust. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Judge Aquilina: — Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) January 24, 2018 Following a week of … [Read more...]

Trump Judge Draws Line At Sending Mexicans DIRECTLY TO GET BEHEADED BY CARTELS

Maribel Trujillo and her daughter. That’s a little girl, not an anchor. In what may be a temporary setback for the New Cruelty, a federal court in Cincinatti has determined that immigration authorities were a bit too eager to deport a mother of four to Mexico, and that they must reconsider her petition to stay in the United States. The decision ordering a review of the woman’s case was … [Read more...]

Robert Mueller Following The Money All The Way Up Russia’s Dirty, Dirty Ass

Mama said knock you out Let’s check in with our boyfriend Robert Mueller! Two long-read investigations have been published in as many days, about how the Mueller team and the FBI are looking at some FUNNY MONEY STUFF related to Russia and the 2016 elections. Are they smoking guns? We’re not sure, and as usual, we’ll have to let Mueller and his team of brilliant legal experts sort … [Read more...]

Compassionate Republicans Horrified At Cruel Dems For Killing CHIP

This is all Do-Right’s fault, you understand After spending most of 2017 failing to reauthorize the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) while they were busy trying to kill Obamacare and passing a huge tax cut for the rich, Republicans have finally decided to include a six-year CHIP reauthorization in a short-term funding bill to keep the government open for four weeks. If a … [Read more...]

DOJ Cooks Up Racist Bullshit Burger To Prove All Foreigns Are Terrorists

All those stupid numbers’n’shit give President Twitter Fingers a headache. He was the best student at Wharton, though, believe me. So he knows the way you math good is to start with the answer and then work backward to the question. Don’t worry, the answer is always SCARY MUSLIMS ARE BAD, OKAY? But we are nerds, not xenophobic sacks of rancid meat jelly. So let’s see if we … [Read more...]

Here’s What The Fuck Is Going On With Steve Bannon And Robert Mueller

SECRETIONS Rachel Maddow figured out why Steve Bannon is being treated so weird — why Robert Mueller’s team tried to start serving him subpoenas LAST WEEK to appear before the grand jury, why he wasn’t answering questions in the House Intelligence Committee, and what might have led Trey Gowdy and Devin Nunes to get sooooo pissed they subpoenaed Bannon to his face. On her show … [Read more...]

President Good Brain Sat Down With Reuters, Showed ‘Em Which One Is ‘Camel’

Good Brain. We no longer get to make jokes (yes we do) about how maybe President Good Brain has dementia, because his doctor visit proved once and for all that he doesn’t just have a good brain, he has the BEST brain. Remember, he was able to answer “what is camel?” correctly! See? Nothing to worry about. The president is as qualified to have the nuclear codes as any 2-year-old … [Read more...]

How Many Republicans Does It Take To Shut Down A Government? Wonkagenda For Thurs., Jan. 18, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today. The FBI is investigating whether the NRA laundered some rubles from Russian mobsters to help Donald Trump and Republicans. Hey, man, collusion and conspiracy and money laundering are not a crime! Steve Bannon cut a deal to speak to Robert Mueller and his team of extraordinary investigators instead of a grand jury, … [Read more...]

A Nation Of Finks: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2017

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this annus horribilis of 2017, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he’d ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. For Thanksgiving … [Read more...]

Eat This Leftover Stuffing Strata For Every Meal You Can, Until You Run Out Of Stuff

EAT THIS NOW. [Editrix’s note: I made this last year, and the year before, and ate it for every meal until all the components were gone. It is absolutely delicious. So have at it, and you’re welcome.] Are your Thanksgiving guests still lingering? Maybe if you feed them a hearty breakfast and tell them the leftovers are all gone, they’ll get the fuck out. Regardless, this recipe … [Read more...]

Buttercup Squash Pie To Bring To Thanksgiving Dinner

Farm boy, make me a pie. Just last week, you were talking to your Thanksgiving host, and you made the mistake of being polite and asking if there is anything you can bring. And she said, “Oh, you’re so thoughtful; something for dessert would be great!” So demanding! Do not fret. Today we share with you (for you to share with your friends on social media) a Buttercup Squash Pie … [Read more...]

Stuffed Acorn Squash With Barley And Sausage And Pork Stock And Beer

Since you are such a fucking idiot that you did not realize that acorn squash are for eating and not just for festive centerpieces, here is a recipe. It is easy to make, and you can do most of the work ahead of time and bake it off when you want to eat. Plan for half an acorn squash per person as a main dish, or the finished product can be cut up and served as a side. Some people will eat the … [Read more...]

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business

Richard Nixon on Wonkette’s Cranberry Business: ‘This cranberry business PUNISHES’ No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else … [Read more...]