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Trump Announces Plan To Build Border Wall Out Of Transgender Soldiers

WE ARE SO MAD! The transgender ban tweeted out by That Orange POS yesterday is cruel, and shameful, and ALL THE BAD THINGS! It’s also a gross political misstep that’s blowing up in The Shit Gibbon’s face. So…silver lining there! Let’s take a trip in the Fabulous Wayback Machine to see how Our Predisent™ drove the bus into a ditch. AGAIN. Buckle up, … [Read more...]

White House Long Knives Out For Murkowski. Wonkagenda For Thurs., July 27, 2017

WOAH, it is Thirsty Thursday already, Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about while day drinking. Trump is talking with his people about a recess appointment of a new AG if Sessions decides to “You’re Fired” himself. He’s really slamming that panic button hard, isn’t he? The GOP is warning Trump not to “You’re Fired” Jeff … [Read more...]

Weird How All These Republicans Want To Do S&M To Lisa Murkowski!

Seriously, what are you doing over there? Once again we find ourselves wondering what the heck Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski is doing in the Republican Party after all the crap she gets from Republicans. Maybe it’s a tax cut thing we’ll never understand. She was turfed out of the Republican Party primary during the Teabagger Electoral Fuckquake of 2010, losing to a compulsive liar … [Read more...]

Vegan Restaurant Owners #Triggered Just Because Diner Didn’t Want To See Their Kid’s #Butthole

This actually didn’t even happen in Portland There is a vegan restaurant in Memphis called Imagine Vegan Cafe. We have never been there because LOL vegan food. Next time we get a hankering to eat sand, we guess! Anyway, this restaurant is not far from our house, and from what we know from our local vegan pals, it’s well-regarded. Or should we say, it WAS well-regarded, but then … [Read more...]

Polish Crowds Cheer Trump, As Ordered

We will defend ALL who hold their fingers together in a little circle! Donald Trump gave a very nice speech from a teleprompter today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square, a memorial to a 1944 uprising against the Nazi invasion, and the crowd went wild for him, excitedly chanting “Donald Trump! Donald Trump! Donald Trump!” Which was exactly what they were supposed to do: In arranging … [Read more...]

Hobby Lobby Has To Return All The Cool Bible Shit It Stoled From Iraq. UNFAIR!

Sincerely, the U.S. government Well this is a story that is very unfair to Jesus! A while back, we learned that Hobby Lobby, the slut-pill-hating evangelical Christian company owned by the evangelical Christian Green family, was under federal investigation just for MAYBE illegally importing a bunch of looted religious artifacts from Iraq in 2010 and 2011, so they could put them in their Bible … [Read more...]

Martin Shkreli Will Not Shut The Fuck Up!

How the hell do you seat a jury when everyone in America wants to punch your client in the face? Are there 12 sentient adults in New York who wouldn’t shove Martin Shkreli onto the tracks if they heard the train coming? Pharma Bro hiked up the price of a lifesaving drug for babies and HIV patients by 5000%. He harassed a female reporter so viciously that Twitter finally creaked into action … [Read more...]

Portland Area GOP To Hire Militias For Security, What Could Go Wrong

A well regulated clusterfuck being necessary to a good militia story… There’s just one thing the Republican Party in Multnomah County, Oregon, loves more than being the Party of Reagan and Liberty, and that’s being the Party of Perpetual Victimhood, because in the overwhelmingly Democratic environs of Portland, they really are outnumbered. So it stands to reason that one way … [Read more...]

Donald Trump’s European Vacation. Wonkagenda For Thurs., June 6, 2017

Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today. While you were sleeping, Trump criticized North Korea, CNN, and US intel agencies in a press conference with Polish President Andrzej Duda, and remarkably had mean things to say about Russia in Ukraine. Early this morning, Trump blathered behind a podium in front of an astroturf crowd some words about Poland in a … [Read more...]

Here Are 50 Million New Hot-Ass Pictures Of Justin Trudeau, Because It Is A Day

Ahoy! Let’s check in with the shadow president of our American hearts, Canadian god king Justin Trudeau, and see what he has been doing the past few weeks. Before the holiday, we were just cold staring at his crotch, because there he was on the cover of the Delta Airlines in-flight magazine, throwing his crotch at us. But it turns out that, according to Trudeau’s Twitter and Instaface, … [Read more...]

Hannity Going On Vacation To Farm Where He Can Run And Chase Chickens All Day Long

Sean! Stop pinching the Fox logo! Ouch! After his recent adventures in trying to revive a fact-free conspiracy claim that a murdered DNC staffer was the real source of hacked documents given to Wikileaks, thereby making the Trump-Russia scandal vanish in a puff of illogic, Sean Hannity will be taking a couple of days off to cool his heels. But don’t worry, Fox News viewers — this is … [Read more...]

Montana Sheriff To Ragemonster Republican Thug Greg Gianforte: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last night, we heard what Greg Gianforte — the billionaire Republican nominee for today’s election for Montana’s sole House seat — does when there are witnesses present. (We’re not saying, but we’re just saying: Has anyone checked on his wife?) According to Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs, who you can hear was clearly in shock, Gianforte “bodyslammed” … [Read more...]

Betsy DeVos, Ben Carson Talked To Jesus, Confirm He Hates The Poor And The Sick!

If you, like me, are worried about America’s relative levels of greatness given that the whole Trump family excepting Barron has gone overseas, then let me soothe you, because the crack members of the Cabinet are here to save us! Today we are going to hear about how much Betsy DeVos and Ben Carson really understand the plight of the normies, which is what I assume people so wealthy … [Read more...]

Here’s All Your LATE-BREAKING TRUMP-RUSSIA NEWS, For You To Poop On

BFFs Another day, more WILD AND CRAZY news about Donald Trump, Russia, and all their completely innocent connections! Let’s jump right in! We Don’t Know How Many Of Trump’s Silly Boys Got Turnt By The Russians, But The Russians Sure Were Trying! Remember when former CIA director John Brennan was testifying before the House Intelligence Committee, and greasy shiny chipmunk turd … [Read more...]

CBO Confirms Trumpcare Is Still This Dumpster Fire

Our official statement on the #CBOScore for #AHCA: pic.twitter.com/Y6ch17zJg1 — NARAL (@NARAL) May 24, 2017 The Congressional Budget Office finally came out with its scoring of TrumpCare 2.O: The Wreckening, and determined that it will leave almost as many Americans without health insurance as the first version did (23 million by 2026 vs. 24 million under TrumpCare 1). And it gets worse: In … [Read more...]

Alabama Stops Being Total Asshole About Voting Rights, PLEASE CLAP!

HAPPY NICE-ISH TIMES TO ALABAMA where Governor Kay Ivey is planning to sign a bill making it a little easier for people to vote in the Heart of Dixie. Sure, your state illegally disenfranchised thousands of people and the federal courts were probably going to force you to knock it off anyway. But the important thing is, you’re doing the right thing now! Well, more or less. In 1901, the … [Read more...]

Gianforte’s Thug Life. Wonkagenda For Thurs., May 25, 2017

He sings folk songs. Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today. The GOPiece of Shit running for Montana’s lone house seat, Greg Gianforte, has been charged with a misdemeanor assault after bodyslamming Guardian reporter, Ben Jacobs. The Billings Gazette, The Missoulian, and the Helena Independent Record have yanked their endorsements out from under … [Read more...]

Red Pill Founder Takes The ‘Not Gonna Be A New Hampshire State Rep’ Pill

New Hampshire state Rep. Robert Fisher resigned on Wednesday, a mere few hours after a House committee voted to not hold the fact that he created one of the most infamous misogynistic forums on the internet — The Red Pill subreddit — against him. This was not because he suddenly realized that maybe he is not the kind of person who ought to be in charge of anything, but rather because … [Read more...]