A Nation Of Finks: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2017

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this annus horribilis of 2017, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he’d ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. For Thanksgiving … [Read more...]

Eat This Leftover Stuffing Strata For Every Meal You Can, Until You Run Out Of Stuff

EAT THIS NOW. [Editrix’s note: I made this last year, and the year before, and ate it for every meal until all the components were gone. It is absolutely delicious. So have at it, and you’re welcome.] Are your Thanksgiving guests still lingering? Maybe if you feed them a hearty breakfast and tell them the leftovers are all gone, they’ll get the fuck out. Regardless, this recipe … [Read more...]

Buttercup Squash Pie To Bring To Thanksgiving Dinner

Farm boy, make me a pie. Just last week, you were talking to your Thanksgiving host, and you made the mistake of being polite and asking if there is anything you can bring. And she said, “Oh, you’re so thoughtful; something for dessert would be great!” So demanding! Do not fret. Today we share with you (for you to share with your friends on social media) a Buttercup Squash Pie … [Read more...]

Stuffed Acorn Squash With Barley And Sausage And Pork Stock And Beer

Since you are such a fucking idiot that you did not realize that acorn squash are for eating and not just for festive centerpieces, here is a recipe. It is easy to make, and you can do most of the work ahead of time and bake it off when you want to eat. Plan for half an acorn squash per person as a main dish, or the finished product can be cut up and served as a side. Some people will eat the … [Read more...]

Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette’s Real Cranberry Business

Richard Nixon on Wonkette’s Cranberry Business: ‘This cranberry business PUNISHES’ No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else … [Read more...]

Betty Ford’s Boozy Chocolate Cake

That is one ugly tux, in the way only ’70s formalwear could do ugly. Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though she left us to write Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair and now writes for Last Week Tonight … [Read more...]

Put Thanksgiving In Your Mouth With Grown-Up Baked Mac And Cheese, For Grown-Ups

This Wonkette classic was not originally a Thanksgiving recipe, but now America says it’s OK to eat mac and cheese on Thanksgiving, hooray! We will be making this for OUR family, and you should too. Baking macaroni and cheese on a Monday night was a miserable experience. I had to boil water, tear the hell out of cheese, make a sauce, and then bake this whole deal before I had a chance to … [Read more...]

Another Trump Staffer Sending Weird Russian Emails? YOU DON’T SAY.

Putin was workin’ hard, y’all. Another day, somebody else on the Trump campaign sending weird emails about Russia. It’s so bizarre how literally every single person on that campaign seemed to have at least a handful of Russians on speed dial. Maybe that was part of the job interview! CNN reports that congressional investigations into whether or not the Trump campaign colluded … [Read more...]

Who Told Trump To Fuck Off The Best? A Scientific Wonkette Poll!

Nobody likes you, everybody hates you … Resistance to Donald Trump and his sucky terribleness is breaking out all over, in the form of hilarious resignation letters! Daniel Kammen, a State Department envoy for science, resigned his post Wednesday, citing Trump’s disgusting white-supremacist-enabling response to Charlottesville. And he did it with a SECRET MESSAGE! You see what he did … [Read more...]

Slumlord Jared Kushner’s Company Making America Dickensian Again, Now With Debtors’ Prison!

Victorian Family Values Did you hear the one about the president’s son-in-law whose company gets judges to order the arrest of people who owe back rent? The punch line is, it’s perfectly legal and lots of companies do it, at least in Maryland, which allows the arrest of those who miss court appearances in cases of unpaid debt. The Baltimore Sun found that since 2013, the Kushner … [Read more...]

If Trump Doesn’t Get His Border Wall, He’ll Hold His Breath Until The Economy Turns Blue

Image via Extra Newsfeed Is Donald Trump going to crash the US economy if he doesn’t get to build his Fuck You Mexico Wall? Could he really be stupid enough to provoke a government shutdown if he can’t extort taxpayers into funding the wall that he swore the Mexicans were totally going to pay for? MAYBE!!! Again, the Border Patrol today, I said, how important is the wall to some of the … [Read more...]

Trump Makes America Great Again With New DADT. Wonkagenda for Thurs., Aug. 24, 2017

Nobody cares what kind of underwear you wear. Hey there, Wonketariat! We’ve got a slew of newses for your today! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today. The White House is expected to instruct the Pentagon to ban transgender troops in an effort to calm the fears of religious whackos terrified that openly trans troops will take over the government with pride parades, or … [Read more...]

Dumb Virginia Democrat Doesn’t Even Want To Own Slaves! What A Idiot!

Modern medicine betrays the heritage of leeches and surgery without anesthetics In what has to be the stupidest stretch of logic — today, at least — in the ongoing dialogue over the removal of Confederate monuments, the Virginia GOP posted a weirdass condemnation of Democratic Lt. Gov. Ralph Northam, who’s now running for governor (Terry McAuliffe is term-limited). You see, … [Read more...]

Nazis So Scared Of Protests They’re Gonna Hold Their Rallies IN SECRET Now!

When the Nazis marched in Charlottesville, they were met with protesters. And they killed one of them. When the “We totally swear we’re not Nazis but also the Nazis have some good points about stuff” alt-righters tried to hold a rally in Boston, they were met with thousands and thousands of counter-protesters and ended up having to close up shop early. Following this, ACT for … [Read more...]

Get Under Your School Desk, Here’s The Dumbest Shit Trump Has Ever Said About Nukes

more or less This week, while Donald Trump waddles around his New Jersey golf course yelling mad words about how he’s going to bombfuck North Korea into oblivion, something all sane presidents know they’re not supposed to say, seems like a good time to remind everyone that Trump does not know one solitary thing about nuclear weapons, besides that they exist, they go boom, and for some … [Read more...]

Walmart Real Sorry About ‘Back-To-School’ Guns, Which They Also Deny Happened, Or Something

All the schoolgirls in ‘Upotte!!‘ are anthropomorphized guns, so they don’t need to shop at Walmart Walmart the corporate entity has apologized for a display of guns in an as-yet-unidentified Walmart store with a sign over it reading “Own the school year like a hero.” The image blazed across social media with the speed of a .223 caliber round fired by a responsible … [Read more...]

Eric Bolling Demands $50 Million For … Sending Women Dick Pics, We Guess?

Thinkin’ face. Fox News’s Eric Bolling is very, very mad. He is mad about an article in the Huffington post that came out this weekend detailing his (alleged) habit of sending unsolicited dick pics to women who do not want them. Bolling is suspended from Fox pending an investigation of the claims. Thus, he is suing Yashar Ali, the freelance reporter for the Huffington Post who wrote … [Read more...]

James O’Keefe Idiots, ‘Wealthy Oil Widow’ And ‘Dude With Spy Cuff Links,’ Now Infiltrating Enviro Groups. Very Poorly.

It’s a classic look Looks like investigative poo-thrower James O’Keefe and his merry band of news fakers have stepped on their own dicks once again, this time in an aborted attempt to infiltrate that dangerous nexus of radicalism the League of Conservation Voters (LCV — which only looks like a Roman number). The New Yorker’s Jane Mayer reports the LCV has filed a complaint … [Read more...]