Did Jeff Sessions Just Plum Fergit He Was Under Investigation For LIES?

Whoops. Jefferson Butterbeans Sessions, you got some ‘splainin’ to do! Turns out you may have left out one or two pertinent details when you set to firin’ Andy McCabe 10 minutes before his pension would vest. ABC reports: Nearly a year before Attorney General Jeff Sessions fired senior FBI official Andrew McCabe for what Sessions called a “lack of candor,” McCabe … [Read more...]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Wants Nancy Pelosi To Smile More, Like Face Of Warmth And Affability Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Mouth is open, lies are leaking. After warning her troops to keep their traps shut and not embarrass the party like a common Joe Wilson, Nancy Pelosi sat stonefaced through the entire eleventy hours of Trump’s yammering SOTU speech. Because she is a goddamn professional. Unlike some people who wondered why the little lady doesn’t smile more. Is it because she wants the terrorists to … [Read more...]

Trump Makes Rod Rosenstein An Offer He Can’t Refuse

On this, the day of his daughter’s wedding just another endless day in an endless year, Team Trump will try to break all the laws and stay out of jail, while Team Wonkette will try to cover the endless avalanche of news and not die! Get your PEANUTS! POPCORN! XANAX! Yesterday, CNN broke news of Trump asking Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein in December if he was “on my team.” Kinda like … [Read more...]

Here Are All The Stupid Lies Sarah Huckabee Sanders Said Yesterday!

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was in fine form yesterday! She’s got that special blend of bald-faced lies, indignation, and giant false eyelashes that always gets us. So if you’re here for some sexxxxxxy LADY WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN WRONG WITH YOU action, you have come to the right Mommyblog! The President DID NOT Shoot Those Kids! On Tuesday, the US clocked its … [Read more...]

DOJ Cooks Up Racist Bullshit Burger To Prove All Foreigns Are Terrorists

All those stupid numbers’n’shit give President Twitter Fingers a headache. He was the best student at Wharton, though, believe me. So he knows the way you math good is to start with the answer and then work backward to the question. Don’t worry, the answer is always SCARY MUSLIMS ARE BAD, OKAY? But we are nerds, not xenophobic sacks of rancid meat jelly. So let’s see if we … [Read more...]

If Trump Doesn’t Get His Border Wall, He’ll Hold His Breath Until The Economy Turns Blue

Image via Extra Newsfeed Is Donald Trump going to crash the US economy if he doesn’t get to build his Fuck You Mexico Wall? Could he really be stupid enough to provoke a government shutdown if he can’t extort taxpayers into funding the wall that he swore the Mexicans were totally going to pay for? MAYBE!!! Again, the Border Patrol today, I said, how important is the wall to some of the … [Read more...]

Hang On, Trump And McConnell Still Beating Shit Out Of Each Other Over Obamacare

Check out all these stinkers trying to pretend it was the other guy who farted! Since the Obamacare repeal flamed out in July, the entire GOP clubhouse has smelled like raw sewage. All the old white guys are standing around wrinkling their noses and throwing each other accusing glances. Only the orange blowhard is boorish enough to come right out and shout, “WHO CUT THE CHEESE? OPEN A … [Read more...]

Trump Announces Plan To Build Border Wall Out Of Transgender Soldiers

WE ARE SO MAD! The transgender ban tweeted out by That Orange POS yesterday is cruel, and shameful, and ALL THE BAD THINGS! It’s also a gross political misstep that’s blowing up in The Shit Gibbon’s face. So…silver lining there! Let’s take a trip in the Fabulous Wayback Machine to see how Our Predisent™ drove the bus into a ditch. AGAIN. Buckle up, … [Read more...]

Martin Shkreli Will Not Shut The Fuck Up!

How the hell do you seat a jury when everyone in America wants to punch your client in the face? Are there 12 sentient adults in New York who wouldn’t shove Martin Shkreli onto the tracks if they heard the train coming? Pharma Bro hiked up the price of a lifesaving drug for babies and HIV patients by 5000%. He harassed a female reporter so viciously that Twitter finally creaked into action … [Read more...]

Alabama Stops Being Total Asshole About Voting Rights, PLEASE CLAP!

HAPPY NICE-ISH TIMES TO ALABAMA where Governor Kay Ivey is planning to sign a bill making it a little easier for people to vote in the Heart of Dixie. Sure, your state illegally disenfranchised thousands of people and the federal courts were probably going to force you to knock it off anyway. But the important thing is, you’re doing the right thing now! Well, more or less. In 1901, the … [Read more...]

Roger Stone’s #HOTTAKES On Trump-Russia Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller

The announcement only moments ago that the Trump Justice Department would appoint a special prosecutor to look into the question of Russian collusion in the last election is a MASTERSTROKE. Once and for all we can clear the air on the question of whether the Russians interceded in the last election to help Donald Trump. More importantly it proves that Donald Trump has no fear of such an … [Read more...]

Trump Blesses Coast Guard With Inspirational Speech On His Struggles As A Victim Of The Lamestream Media

It was the last golden moments of the Trump Administration BM (Before Mueller). After Vanky smashed his phone Tuesday night, she gave him a couple of her “prescription vitamin tablets” to build up his strength. That’s why they made her special assistant to the President — she always knows how to make it better! She smoothed his hair and kissed his owies, then packed him off … [Read more...]

Whom Are We Deporting Today?

Good morning! Is everything still horrible in Trump’s America? WHY, YES!! Yes it is!! And today we have some next level shit to deal with. But we will get through it together with the internet’s favorite coping mechanism, Porn Cat Photos. Meow! Soon we’ll be enjoying a BIG, BEAUTIFUL trade war with Mexico to fund the BIG, BEAUTIFUL WALL. But in the meantime, we’ll have to … [Read more...]