Robert Mueller Just Wondering If Trump Taking Bribes From Handful Of Arab Kingdoms, Totally Normal

Gross, Donald. Who’s ready for some hot Daily Mail gossip about Robert Mueller’s newest cooperating witness (that we know of), George Nader, the lobbyist for the United Arab Emirates who seems to have witnessed a WHOLE LOT of the Trump-Russia conspiracy meetings involving Emirati sheiks, Erik Prince, Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon and Michael Flynn? Well, the Daily Mail says the JOLLY HOT … [Read more...]

Whatever Pee Tape Russia Has On Donald Trump Must Be DISGUSTING. A VERY MAD Lesson On Recent Russian History!

Wednesday afternoon, your president Donald Trump was all finished with work, because shithead only works like two hours per day, and he was MAD that everybody in the reality-based community is horrified by how he got on the phone with the object of his affection Vladimir Putin this week and A) congratulated him on winning his (fake) Russian presidential election and B) did NOT condemn Russia for … [Read more...]

Ohhhhhhh, Hope Hicks! What Have You Done?!?!?!

Embed from Getty Images Oh, Hope Hicks, you’ve done stepped in it now! Your old money Democratic Connecticut family will never look at you the same way again, now that the New York Times has revealed that YOU, yes you right there, in that very fancy tuxedo, may have committed a great big obstruction of justice, right in front of Donald Trump and Mark Corallo, the former PR guy for … [Read more...]

DOJ Dick-Punches Devin Nunes Over Dumbass Fake Memo

christ what a fucking idiot What is this, Day Six of Devin Nunes’s latest justice-obstructing distraction? Something like that! If you’ve been playing hooky from life this week or forgot, Devin Nunes, Donald Trump’s little buttercup who chairs the House Intelligence Committee, has WRITTEN A TOP SECRET MEMO (or his aides wrote it) that definitely certainly absolutely blows the … [Read more...]

President Loud Stupid Talked To Reporters Without Adult Supervision Again. It Went Just Great.

LOUD WORDS Morning, y’all, Donald Trump did that thing again! The thing that makes his lawyers call their local alcohol delivery service and say, “Bring us a ten gallon bucket of Jägermeister and some straws, we are getting fuuuuuucked up tonight!” That’s right, he emerged from John Kelly’s office Wednesday afternoon out of nowhere and decided to talk to … [Read more...]

Robert Mueller Following The Money All The Way Up Russia’s Dirty, Dirty Ass

Mama said knock you out Let’s check in with our boyfriend Robert Mueller! Two long-read investigations have been published in as many days, about how the Mueller team and the FBI are looking at some FUNNY MONEY STUFF related to Russia and the 2016 elections. Are they smoking guns? We’re not sure, and as usual, we’ll have to let Mueller and his team of brilliant legal experts sort … [Read more...]

Here’s What The Fuck Is Going On With Steve Bannon And Robert Mueller

SECRETIONS Rachel Maddow figured out why Steve Bannon is being treated so weird — why Robert Mueller’s team tried to start serving him subpoenas LAST WEEK to appear before the grand jury, why he wasn’t answering questions in the House Intelligence Committee, and what might have led Trey Gowdy and Devin Nunes to get sooooo pissed they subpoenaed Bannon to his face. On her show … [Read more...]

President Good Brain Sat Down With Reuters, Showed ‘Em Which One Is ‘Camel’

Good Brain. We no longer get to make jokes (yes we do) about how maybe President Good Brain has dementia, because his doctor visit proved once and for all that he doesn’t just have a good brain, he has the BEST brain. Remember, he was able to answer “what is camel?” correctly! See? Nothing to worry about. The president is as qualified to have the nuclear codes as any 2-year-old … [Read more...]

Another Trump Staffer Sending Weird Russian Emails? YOU DON’T SAY.

Putin was workin’ hard, y’all. Another day, somebody else on the Trump campaign sending weird emails about Russia. It’s so bizarre how literally every single person on that campaign seemed to have at least a handful of Russians on speed dial. Maybe that was part of the job interview! CNN reports that congressional investigations into whether or not the Trump campaign colluded … [Read more...]

Who Told Trump To Fuck Off The Best? A Scientific Wonkette Poll!

Nobody likes you, everybody hates you … Resistance to Donald Trump and his sucky terribleness is breaking out all over, in the form of hilarious resignation letters! Daniel Kammen, a State Department envoy for science, resigned his post Wednesday, citing Trump’s disgusting white-supremacist-enabling response to Charlottesville. And he did it with a SECRET MESSAGE! You see what he did … [Read more...]

Get Under Your School Desk, Here’s The Dumbest Shit Trump Has Ever Said About Nukes

more or less This week, while Donald Trump waddles around his New Jersey golf course yelling mad words about how he’s going to bombfuck North Korea into oblivion, something all sane presidents know they’re not supposed to say, seems like a good time to remind everyone that Trump does not know one solitary thing about nuclear weapons, besides that they exist, they go boom, and for some … [Read more...]

Sounds Like Anthony Scaramucci Needs To Take His Blue Dresses To The Cleaners

Monica Lewinsky??? We were not going to say anything about this thing Anthony Scaramucci, who was White House Communications Director for literally HOURS, tweeted Wednesday night: “It’s too easy,” thought we. If you know nothing else about him, you know that Anthony Scaramucci is DUMB. This is a guy who asked, “What would Joe Paterno do?” with a STRAIGHT FACE. He … [Read more...]

How Many Dumbfuck Things Can Anthony Scaramucci Say Before Breakfast?

it’s better to keep your mouth covered, Scaramucci, to keep the dumb shit from falling out. A White House fight has broken out in the last 12 hours, and it is between nominal White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and brand new Trump lapdog Anthony Scaramucci. (Who may or may not be a Clinton mole. He said Trump wants healthcare to be just like Comcast. And he said several things … [Read more...]

Vegan Restaurant Owners #Triggered Just Because Diner Didn’t Want To See Their Kid’s #Butthole

This actually didn’t even happen in Portland There is a vegan restaurant in Memphis called Imagine Vegan Cafe. We have never been there because LOL vegan food. Next time we get a hankering to eat sand, we guess! Anyway, this restaurant is not far from our house, and from what we know from our local vegan pals, it’s well-regarded. Or should we say, it WAS well-regarded, but then … [Read more...]

Hobby Lobby Has To Return All The Cool Bible Shit It Stoled From Iraq. UNFAIR!

Sincerely, the U.S. government Well this is a story that is very unfair to Jesus! A while back, we learned that Hobby Lobby, the slut-pill-hating evangelical Christian company owned by the evangelical Christian Green family, was under federal investigation just for MAYBE illegally importing a bunch of looted religious artifacts from Iraq in 2010 and 2011, so they could put them in their Bible … [Read more...]

Here Are 50 Million New Hot-Ass Pictures Of Justin Trudeau, Because It Is A Day

Ahoy! Let’s check in with the shadow president of our American hearts, Canadian god king Justin Trudeau, and see what he has been doing the past few weeks. Before the holiday, we were just cold staring at his crotch, because there he was on the cover of the Delta Airlines in-flight magazine, throwing his crotch at us. But it turns out that, according to Trudeau’s Twitter and Instaface, … [Read more...]


BFFs Another day, more WILD AND CRAZY news about Donald Trump, Russia, and all their completely innocent connections! Let’s jump right in! We Don’t Know How Many Of Trump’s Silly Boys Got Turnt By The Russians, But The Russians Sure Were Trying! Remember when former CIA director John Brennan was testifying before the House Intelligence Committee, and greasy shiny chipmunk turd … [Read more...]

Trump Russia Scandal Idiot Carter Page SO Tired Of Being Hate Crimed By Hillary Clinton

MEAN LADY One of the ways we’re coping with life under Fuehrer Pussgrab is to imagine we’re living in a really fancy spy novel or a sexxxy new Netflix show about politics and espionage, so in that spirit, we’d like to share with you Chapter Eleventy, the episode where a crazy bit player who might be a more important character than we ever knew sends a crazy letter from his … [Read more...]