Who Made Ben Carson’s Wife Buy That $31,000 Dinette Set? The Deep State, Obviously!

America, meet your new Louie Gohmert, maybe. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has been having one heck of a time trying to explain how his office ended up ordering that $31,000 dining room set last year; in a House hearing Tuesday, he appeared to blame his wife for the decision. Before we get all judgey about the free-spending ways of Trump administration cabinet members, we … [Read more...]

Serious Senator Jeff Flake Begs Donald Trump To Please Not Make Congress Impeach Him

Also ‘Mr. Profiles in Courage’ Arizona’s junior US Senator, Jeff Flake, took a firm stand Tuesday against the prospect that Donald Trump might fire Central Scrutinizer Robert Mueller, giving an interview to the Washington Post to say that he would be VERY SAD if Trump did anything rash and left Congress with no other choice but to impeach him, because that would be just awful. … [Read more...]

Government Running Out Of Money After Trump’s Tax Cuts For Super-Rich, So Kiss Grammy Goodbye

You cost too much, Meemaw! There’s this one “Calvin and Hobbes” Sunday strip with realistic drawings of several disasters all converging on one spot, the home of Farmer Brown, who “is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove.” The last panel shows Calvin holding a toy jet and a toy locomotive about to smash into a toy house, and Hobbes says, … [Read more...]

CDC Director Just Can’t Quit Addiction To Cigarette Money, But Can Quit The CDC!

‘I’m thinking about taking up smoking. My doctor says I’m not getting enough tar.’ — Steve Martin Dr. Brenda Fitzgerald, the director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, resigned Wednesday after reports she had purchased stock in tobacco companies after being appointed to head US America’s leading public health agency; at least once she left the … [Read more...]

Ryan Zinke Says No Oil Rigs At Mar-a-Lago, For Science Reasons He Definitely Did Not Just Make Up

Coming to a coastline near YOU (unless you’re in Florida with all that geology) Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke has a brand-new explanation for why he announced Florida would be exempted from the administration’s plan to open up most US coastal areas to oil and gas drilling. In an interview on CNN Tuesday, Zinke explained Florida has very special “ocean currents” and … [Read more...]

Prosperity Already Flowing From Tax Cut! To Paul Ryan! From The Kochs!

O Supply Side Jesus: May the Donors be pleased with my humble offering. Amen Even more prosperity is flowing from the Great Big Tax Cut For Rich Fuckwads of 2017! Not only are a bunch of businesses getting maximum publicity from one-time bonuses while quietly laying people off, it seems Republicans are seeing the big payoffs campaign donations they’d been expecting from the bill, too. The … [Read more...]

USA Gymnastics Judge Preemptively Banned From Wonkette Comments, For Being TOO AWESOME

Larry Nassar [Letter]: "Those patients that are now speaking out are the same ones that praised and came back over and over…The media convinced them that everything I did was wrong and bad. They feel I broke their trust. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Judge Aquilina: — Ellie Hall (@ellievhall) January 24, 2018 Following a week of … [Read more...]

Trump Judge Draws Line At Sending Mexicans DIRECTLY TO GET BEHEADED BY CARTELS

Maribel Trujillo and her daughter. That’s a little girl, not an anchor. In what may be a temporary setback for the New Cruelty, a federal court in Cincinatti has determined that immigration authorities were a bit too eager to deport a mother of four to Mexico, and that they must reconsider her petition to stay in the United States. The decision ordering a review of the woman’s case was … [Read more...]

Compassionate Republicans Horrified At Cruel Dems For Killing CHIP

This is all Do-Right’s fault, you understand After spending most of 2017 failing to reauthorize the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) while they were busy trying to kill Obamacare and passing a huge tax cut for the rich, Republicans have finally decided to include a six-year CHIP reauthorization in a short-term funding bill to keep the government open for four weeks. If a … [Read more...]

A Nation Of Finks: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2017

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this annus horribilis of 2017, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he’d ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. For Thanksgiving … [Read more...]

Slumlord Jared Kushner’s Company Making America Dickensian Again, Now With Debtors’ Prison!

Victorian Family Values Did you hear the one about the president’s son-in-law whose company gets judges to order the arrest of people who owe back rent? The punch line is, it’s perfectly legal and lots of companies do it, at least in Maryland, which allows the arrest of those who miss court appearances in cases of unpaid debt. The Baltimore Sun found that since 2013, the Kushner … [Read more...]

Dumb Virginia Democrat Doesn’t Even Want To Own Slaves! What A Idiot!

Modern medicine betrays the heritage of leeches and surgery without anesthetics In what has to be the stupidest stretch of logic — today, at least — in the ongoing dialogue over the removal of Confederate monuments, the Virginia GOP posted a weirdass condemnation of Democratic Lt. Gov. Ralph Northam, who’s now running for governor (Terry McAuliffe is term-limited). You see, … [Read more...]

Walmart Real Sorry About ‘Back-To-School’ Guns, Which They Also Deny Happened, Or Something

All the schoolgirls in ‘Upotte!!‘ are anthropomorphized guns, so they don’t need to shop at Walmart Walmart the corporate entity has apologized for a display of guns in an as-yet-unidentified Walmart store with a sign over it reading “Own the school year like a hero.” The image blazed across social media with the speed of a .223 caliber round fired by a responsible … [Read more...]

James O’Keefe Idiots, ‘Wealthy Oil Widow’ And ‘Dude With Spy Cuff Links,’ Now Infiltrating Enviro Groups. Very Poorly.

It’s a classic look Looks like investigative poo-thrower James O’Keefe and his merry band of news fakers have stepped on their own dicks once again, this time in an aborted attempt to infiltrate that dangerous nexus of radicalism the League of Conservation Voters (LCV — which only looks like a Roman number). The New Yorker’s Jane Mayer reports the LCV has filed a complaint … [Read more...]

Team Trump Tells Lisa Murkowski To Rub The Repeal On Obamacare, Or Alaska Gets The Hose

Yes, it will, Precious, won’t it? The whole state will get the hose! Donald Trump sent a messenger boy to let Alaska’s two Republican senators know he didn’t much care for Lisa Murkowski’s refusal to play ball on repealing Obamacare. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke called Murkowski and Alaska’s other senator, Dan Sullivan, Wednesday to say he thinks Alaska’s a … [Read more...]

Here’s The Skinny On Republicans’ Bullshit ‘Skinny Repeal’

Either way, we get boned. Now that the Republicans in the Senate appear to have given up on trying to come up with anything to replace the Affordable Care Act, their fallback plan — if you can call thrashing around desperately at the last minute a “plan” — appears to be what’s been called a “skinny repeal” that would eliminate some provisions of Obamacare … [Read more...]

Weird How All These Republicans Want To Do S&M To Lisa Murkowski!

Seriously, what are you doing over there? Once again we find ourselves wondering what the heck Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski is doing in the Republican Party after all the crap she gets from Republicans. Maybe it’s a tax cut thing we’ll never understand. She was turfed out of the Republican Party primary during the Teabagger Electoral Fuckquake of 2010, losing to a compulsive liar … [Read more...]

Polish Crowds Cheer Trump, As Ordered

We will defend ALL who hold their fingers together in a little circle! Donald Trump gave a very nice speech from a teleprompter today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square, a memorial to a 1944 uprising against the Nazi invasion, and the crowd went wild for him, excitedly chanting “Donald Trump! Donald Trump! Donald Trump!” Which was exactly what they were supposed to do: In arranging … [Read more...]