A Nation Of Finks: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2017

We began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and a lot of things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this annus horribilis of 2017, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he’d ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. For Thanksgiving … [Read more...]

Slumlord Jared Kushner’s Company Making America Dickensian Again, Now With Debtors’ Prison!

Victorian Family Values Did you hear the one about the president’s son-in-law whose company gets judges to order the arrest of people who owe back rent? The punch line is, it’s perfectly legal and lots of companies do it, at least in Maryland, which allows the arrest of those who miss court appearances in cases of unpaid debt. The Baltimore Sun found that since 2013, the Kushner … [Read more...]

Dumb Virginia Democrat Doesn’t Even Want To Own Slaves! What A Idiot!

Modern medicine betrays the heritage of leeches and surgery without anesthetics In what has to be the stupidest stretch of logic — today, at least — in the ongoing dialogue over the removal of Confederate monuments, the Virginia GOP posted a weirdass condemnation of Democratic Lt. Gov. Ralph Northam, who’s now running for governor (Terry McAuliffe is term-limited). You see, … [Read more...]

Walmart Real Sorry About ‘Back-To-School’ Guns, Which They Also Deny Happened, Or Something

All the schoolgirls in ‘Upotte!!‘ are anthropomorphized guns, so they don’t need to shop at Walmart Walmart the corporate entity has apologized for a display of guns in an as-yet-unidentified Walmart store with a sign over it reading “Own the school year like a hero.” The image blazed across social media with the speed of a .223 caliber round fired by a responsible … [Read more...]

James O’Keefe Idiots, ‘Wealthy Oil Widow’ And ‘Dude With Spy Cuff Links,’ Now Infiltrating Enviro Groups. Very Poorly.

It’s a classic look Looks like investigative poo-thrower James O’Keefe and his merry band of news fakers have stepped on their own dicks once again, this time in an aborted attempt to infiltrate that dangerous nexus of radicalism the League of Conservation Voters (LCV — which only looks like a Roman number). The New Yorker’s Jane Mayer reports the LCV has filed a complaint … [Read more...]

Team Trump Tells Lisa Murkowski To Rub The Repeal On Obamacare, Or Alaska Gets The Hose

Yes, it will, Precious, won’t it? The whole state will get the hose! Donald Trump sent a messenger boy to let Alaska’s two Republican senators know he didn’t much care for Lisa Murkowski’s refusal to play ball on repealing Obamacare. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke called Murkowski and Alaska’s other senator, Dan Sullivan, Wednesday to say he thinks Alaska’s a … [Read more...]

Here’s The Skinny On Republicans’ Bullshit ‘Skinny Repeal’

Either way, we get boned. Now that the Republicans in the Senate appear to have given up on trying to come up with anything to replace the Affordable Care Act, their fallback plan — if you can call thrashing around desperately at the last minute a “plan” — appears to be what’s been called a “skinny repeal” that would eliminate some provisions of Obamacare … [Read more...]

Weird How All These Republicans Want To Do S&M To Lisa Murkowski!

Seriously, what are you doing over there? Once again we find ourselves wondering what the heck Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski is doing in the Republican Party after all the crap she gets from Republicans. Maybe it’s a tax cut thing we’ll never understand. She was turfed out of the Republican Party primary during the Teabagger Electoral Fuckquake of 2010, losing to a compulsive liar … [Read more...]

Polish Crowds Cheer Trump, As Ordered

We will defend ALL who hold their fingers together in a little circle! Donald Trump gave a very nice speech from a teleprompter today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square, a memorial to a 1944 uprising against the Nazi invasion, and the crowd went wild for him, excitedly chanting “Donald Trump! Donald Trump! Donald Trump!” Which was exactly what they were supposed to do: In arranging … [Read more...]

Portland Area GOP To Hire Militias For Security, What Could Go Wrong

A well regulated clusterfuck being necessary to a good militia story… There’s just one thing the Republican Party in Multnomah County, Oregon, loves more than being the Party of Reagan and Liberty, and that’s being the Party of Perpetual Victimhood, because in the overwhelmingly Democratic environs of Portland, they really are outnumbered. So it stands to reason that one way … [Read more...]

Hannity Going On Vacation To Farm Where He Can Run And Chase Chickens All Day Long

Sean! Stop pinching the Fox logo! Ouch! After his recent adventures in trying to revive a fact-free conspiracy claim that a murdered DNC staffer was the real source of hacked documents given to Wikileaks, thereby making the Trump-Russia scandal vanish in a puff of illogic, Sean Hannity will be taking a couple of days off to cool his heels. But don’t worry, Fox News viewers — this is … [Read more...]

CBO Confirms Trumpcare Is Still This Dumpster Fire

Our official statement on the #CBOScore for #AHCA: — NARAL (@NARAL) May 24, 2017 The Congressional Budget Office finally came out with its scoring of TrumpCare 2.O: The Wreckening, and determined that it will leave almost as many Americans without health insurance as the first version did (23 million by 2026 vs. 24 million under TrumpCare 1). And it gets worse: In … [Read more...]

Roger Ailes In Hell Now, Complaining The Broads There Have Ugly Legs

Thanks for all your contributions to our culture Rightwing political operative and Fox News founder Roger Ailes died today at the age of 77, according to a statement from Fox News which included no details on where or how. Ailes rose to prominence as the guy who made Richard Nixon almost palatable for television, then as a conservative media hatchet man/consultant, and finally as the founder and … [Read more...]

And Lo, Unto Us A Special Prosecutor Has Been Given

We’re just getting our graphics ready in advance For once, last night America got some early-evening BREAKING NEWS that didn’t leave us reaching for the hard stuff (booze, porn, or legal encyclopedia). Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein announced the appointment of former FBI Director Robert Mueller to be the special counsel to run the Justice Department’s investigation of … [Read more...]

Overworked Donald Trump Plans Nice, Relaxing Campaign Rally In Florida This Weekend

Might need some tanks and missile launchers for the parade, too You might think maybe Donald Trump is possibly a bit overwhelmed by the sudden realization that he’s in a job that he’s utterly unprepared for, but Donald Trump doesn’t do Overwhelmed, even when he clearly is. He does Denial. So of course he’s having a great big campaign-style rally in Florida this Saturday so … [Read more...]

FBI Archives Releasing Files On Trumps Not Renting To Blacks. Some Timing, Huh?

Just don’t let some black guy make fun of you at a dinner. That happens, you go nuclear, OK? The ways of the FBI FOIA archive are mysterious indeed — the site regularly posts to the interwebs old documents that have been requested in Freedom of Information Act cases, but as you may recall from the kerfuffle over the Bureau’s release of documents calling Fred Trump a … [Read more...]

Refugees Risk Lives To Reach Canada From USA. How The Hell Did We Become A Place People Flee?

We know, Wonkers. You never watch the videos because they’re often too awful. Please watch this story by CBC reporter Nick Purdon about a Somali refugee he found in the snow last weekend near Emerson, Manitoba. It matters. You’ll also see an interview with Ahmed from Ghana, who came to Canada after losing an asylum claim in the U.S., one of hundreds of refugees who have made the … [Read more...]

Jesus Idiot Knows Hillary Murdered Mike Flynn, Because He Knew About The Pizza Sex

Inside Rick Wiles’s head (Artist’s conception) Dear Wonkers: We like to think we’re fairly imaginative writers here at Yr Wonkette. We come up with some pretty silly stuff about which to make our little news-related japes. But we must confess: There’s virtually no way we’d have dreamed of spinning out a scenario about the real reason Gen. Mike Flynn got shitcanned by … [Read more...]